Victoria Olayiwola Blog #10: Finding my way home-taking the long route home.

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,

That saved a wretch like me.

I once was LOST but now am FOUND,

Was BLIND, but now I SEE.

There is no doubt 332, has been a journey for me. I came into this class not knowing what exactly will be discussed and covered but I knew whatever it was that we would  discuss and whatever it was that we saw, it would be weighty and the issues we will touch on will be intense and serious.

Have I changed? Yes...I have learnt about the importance of race, its meaning and its relevance in each and every facet of our lives.

But more importantly my perverse actions have been brought into sharp focus. As I said during my presentation in class, I implied someone I liked very much was racist, this was because I took stereotypical racial features to be something that we can all laugh and joke about. It was stupid. I never, NEVER EVER should have done it or felt that way.

But to me, race was one of those things that I felt fit into the category of "let's have a laugh about it". Putting race into this category meant that I point-blank refused to acknowledge or respect the feelings of those who had been called horrific names or those who had been abused just because of the color of their skin. It meant I point-blank ignored the pain and sorrow that people of color felt when they were so thoroughly insulted and so badly put down just because of the color of their skin. 

When I decided it was a bright idea to write and send my message to X, I was a member of the community of Thea 332. I say I was a member of 332, but even though I attended classes, what I was hearing clearly "was water of a duck's back". I wasn't applying what I had learnt to my life or the way I interacted with people. Lawrence Fishburne said to one of his students in "Higher Learning" that people come to college to learn how to think. I wasn't thinking. I wasn't thinking at at all. What I was learning in 332 never had that much of an impact on me until the moment when X made it clear to me in no uncertain terms he was not impressed by my behavior and that my accusations, accusations made in jest, were “despicable and inexcusable”.

I have never felt so much anguish, I don't think. Why? I ask myself why do I feel the way I do? I guess because a) X didn't deserve it b) I liked X and didn't want him also having a bad impression of me and c) because I felt we could be good mates if nothing else. [I once said to X: I hope you are not stupid enough to think I am in love with you? X said no. I hoped X was stupid enough. I hoped X was very stupid enough.:] As I said in my presentation, I have a record of offensive behavior. I outed somebody. I hijacked and stole their story when I had no right to. This person is one of the nicest people at the school...he too, didn't deserve it...why did it have to be YZ? Of all the people at W&M, why did it have to be YZ?

So after committing the second offense I felt moved to change my ways. Now I acknowledge, that prior to my re-education, I chose to make light of people's plight, like Kunte Kinte’s. I chose to make light of all the insulting things the couple Diouana (in 'Black Girl') cooked and cleaned for and their friends said about Africans and even added my own very special spices to their insults. For that I can never forgive myself. I chose to make light of racism, a problem that had been amplified through Derrick's character in American History X and through various characters in the play Clybourne Park. Racism is real. Like Laura aptly mentioned in her blog, unless people are forced out of their communities to talk and communicate with others of other communities, racism will never go away. Derrick, for example, was forced out of his communities by racist acts of violence he committed. He was forced to work with a black man in prison and had no choice over the matter but it was through being in close proximity with this other person, talking and working alongside, that Derrick's ideologies and views towards black people began to change for the better. His eyes were opened. He was no longer BLIND. For making light of the plights of others whether it be the plight of the Filipinos under the thumb of the Americans or the plight of Vincent Chin’s mother when her son was taken from her prematurely because of mistaken identity… I will always be ashamed. Race and the plight of others is not a laughing matter. 332 taught me that. Yet I chose to view it as one. But no longer. I have changed. I am no longer BLIND, I SEE and this class-Francis and it's members-I thank for that.

I can confirm that I was able to talk to YZ and apologize directly to YZ for my actions.YZ and the class didn't read my whole open letter, despite that YZ comforted me and accepted my sincere apology. I also thank for the community of 332 for listening and respecting what I had to say. Who would have thought that a group of college students could be so mature and so understanding and so respectful? That all of you guys, no doubt. Who would have thought a group of college students could give such sound comments and advice? That is all of you guys. I would like to say that the maturity of the class was expressed and shown in its full light on the 9th April. When voting on which film to watch in class, we, like Francis said we voted on strengths not weaknesses. Nobody talked down anybody's presentations, rather people chose to highlight the greater strengths found in one film that was not found in great quantities in another. This exercise spoke to the level headedness, the good character, maturity and the great magnanimity of this community, our community. I think we should all be proud to be members of it. 

Now, back to X. Sadly, X still doesn't want me anywhere near her/him. And trust me, I have tried. I have tried to the point where I don't have enough strength or insult-proof equipment to try again. When X said to me "Jesus, I don't even know you". That was it. All I was trying to do was make things better. All I was trying to say was you have misunderstood everything I have ever said or done. And that is not your fault. You were right to be angry and I have never hated you for it. All I was trying to say was that I sincerely hope in time we could become friends. All I was trying to say was I like you, like you. Like....like you-like you. Yes like....Like you! And that I think you never knew. Yet it has always been the case. But I would rather settle for your friendship than nothing. That's all I was trying to say. Then X denied me like Peter denied Christ. And at that moment X hit the last nail into coffin. Ever since I have come to realize X is really not worth the hassle, my time, or my frailing strength.

This was the end of my open letter:

AS FOR THE PERSON I WROTE THAT RACIST EMAIL TO. I AM SORRY TOO. I WANT TO TELL YOU I AM NOT ANGRY AT YOU. I UNDERSTAND WHY YOU REACTED THE WAY YOU DID. 

IF YOU WOULD ONLY ALLOW ME TALK TO YOU. IF YOU WOULD ONLY ALLOW ME EXPLAIN. 

UNFORTUNATELY, YOU WON’T.

YOU HAVE HUMILIATED ME AND REFUSED TO TALK TO ME. YOU HAVE SHUT MY MOUTH AND SILENCED ME. AS MOTHER SAYS YOU CAN LEAD A HORSE TO WATER BUT YOU CAN’T FORCE IT TO DRINK! I HAVE LED YOU TO THE WATER X AND YOU HAVE REFUSED TO DRINK. 

I SHAN’T LEAD YOU ANYMORE…I SHAN’T FORCE YOU TO DRINK. 

I HOPE IN TIME YOU, BY YOURSELF, WILL CHOOSE TO DRINK THE WATERS OF FORGIVENESS. BECAUSE THE WELL WILL NEVER DRY. THE EXTENDED HAND WILL NEVER RETRACT. YOU HAVE MY WORD.

But now I don't even care. Don't care at all. I have tried to say sorry. I have tried to make things right. X doesn't want to know. This person won't stop painting herself/himself as the victim no matter how or what I do, he/she always comes out looking the victimized saint and I the devilish insane persecutor. So sorry, yes I am sorry things ended the way they did and I am sorry I can't apologize. But I will not allow what happened cripple my mind, behavior and progress a moment longer. They say time is a great healer. Yet in the case of X it seems not matter the amount of time that passes or the matter of space we give each other nothing will change the situation between us. No amount of hope will avail. 

It is important that I add, that just because the class is over, that does not mean that my learning and my re-education is over! Not for one second. As Francis said to Sam Quinn's sister, this class is about asking questions and not looking for answer. My learning process is not over. I will continue to ask questions and question my actions in all aspects of my life.

The memories I will forever cherish. The memories of you all I will never forgotten. I will take them with me and even if I happen not to grace the land called America and the school called William and Mary, I have memories. Memories of you all and that, yes that, is good enough for me. 

Thank you Francis and Thank you the community of 332.

Without you guys I would have remained a wretch.

Thank you Francis and Thank you the community of 332.

Without you guys I would have remained a lost.

Thank you Francis and Thank you the community of 332.

Without you guys I would have remained a blind.

Thank you

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,

That saved a wretch like me.

I once was LOST but now am FOUND,

Was BLIND, but now I SEE.